The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Randomize
