Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
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