I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
