you would pick up someone in the library
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
Randomize
