did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Randomize
