just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
She swung at the pinata with crutches
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
