he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
