i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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