I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
