and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
I have already put on my inside pants.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
Randomize
