I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
