I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
please don't ironically join a cult
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