One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
I FOUND THE LEGS
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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