my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
