3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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