Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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