so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
