I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
smell my finger.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
