So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Randomize
