Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
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