You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Randomize
