i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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