EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
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