FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
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