Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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