After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
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