Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
