why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
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