I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
