Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
Randomize
