So gin and wine won't be happening again
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize
