I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
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