my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Randomize
