fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
