My room smells like vodka and shame
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
