i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
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