Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
