I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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