Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
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