my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
Be still, my beating vagina.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
