I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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