Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
