My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Randomize
