worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
I want a musical about memes.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Randomize
