I puked a lego.
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Life is so much better after having sex.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
