Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
