I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
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