last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
His hands were made for my vagina.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Randomize
