Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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