I swear god or herbie drove my car home
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Randomize
