So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
apparently the secret to your success is patron
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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