So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
pop tarts are not kleenex
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Randomize
