I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
