if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize