This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
You dont lie about slip and slides
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
