if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Randomize
