Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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