John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
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