fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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