omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
