Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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